Will Counselling help me?
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How
many counsellors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only
one, but it must want to change.
-
arcane counselling saying
The easy answer is to
say yes, counselling can help, it's been fairly well established, but
the question is actually more specific, and very much more personal.
Counselling might help a certain sort of individual, but am I that
sort? Do we have to get all “touchy-feely” and create a bin full
of paper hankies to do it properly? How can lots of talk be better
than practical help?
As a practising
counsellor, I would of course not wish to discourage anyone from
coming to our wonderful counselling rooms, but if you are wondering
if counselling might be the right way for you, there are a few points
worth considering, which might just save some hankies, and a small
packet of money.
Counselling can
help, if the counsellor and client can engage together in the
process. Process is a special term in
talking therapies. It's the key ingredient that turns a conversation
into something deeper. Process is when the magic happens in
counselling; when communication is entirely open and truthful, and
absolutely non-judgemental.
Can Counselling fix
my problems?
Counsellors often state
that we're not in the business of “fixing” anyone. I personally
like what Dr Richard Bandler of NLP fame said, when he declared that
people aren't broken, though they might be going about things in ways
that don't work very well. If you want a counsellor to fix your
problems, I've no doubt you'll easily find someone to happily keep
you coming to sessions, and give you lots of sound advice, but that
is not process. Repeatedly going over all the gory details of a
problem, applying endless analysis, is not process, but it can be
very time consuming, especially when you're paying by the hour.
So how do I Process?
Process can sometimes
take a little while, especially given that counsellor and client
usually begin working as perfect strangers. Opening up your heart
and soul to someone implies a level of trust, which may be one of the
hidden factors that brought counselling about in the first place, so
it may be wise to go gently into the first session or two. But when
you feel there is something that can't be spoken about, if that
reluctance isn't addressed, then it will sit firmly in the way of
process. You might feel better after a session and that your
counsellor really understands you, but this is little different from
having a good chat with a friend, it's really nice, but counselling
is something else.
I've perhaps said more
about what process isn't than what it is, and that's very much part
of the process. Process is what goes on beneath the words. For
example: something is said as a compliment, but is heard as an
insult. How often does that happen? It's not the words or the
information they convey that counselling addresses; process is
looking at the meaning we find in what's spoken, how it's said, the
feelings evoked, the impact and reactions between counsellor and
client.
This works both ways
for process to be real; if there is something that bugs me about a
client, then it's quite possibly bugging them, and others close to
them. By talking respectfully about what's happening for me, there's
an invitation for the client to reciprocate, and the mystical gateway
to process can open. Notice, I'm not talking about any sort of
theories here; I'm not laying the blame on childhood trauma, or
secret motivations; I'm talking about a depth of communication that
embodies compassion and empathy. It's within this shared space that
counselling can reveal a beauty in relationship that just can't help
spilling out into all areas of life.
Do I really want to change?
This is perhaps the
deciding question. It's all too easy to agree to change, but
actually, if we look more closely, do we just want our problems to go
away?
If only
I didn't have this and that issue, then I'd be fine; I could be
happy.
We can resolve an
issue, perhaps with the support of counselling, but have you not
noticed, we get one issue sorted, then along comes something else to
worry us? Sometimes they just seem to pile up, one damn thing after
another. Process within counselling can begin to reveal a deeper
truth; the problems and issues we have, are expressions of our
unhappiness, just like the symptoms are the expressions of a disease,
but not their cause.
If I
could just change my behaviour, respond differently, then it would
all be okay.
If I'm seeing certain
behaviours as a problem, then changing my responses can be viewed as
a solution and way forward, and there are indeed certain therapies,
including anti-depressant medication, that attempt to help control or
modify how we respond. What if our exploration realised, that those
behaviours are actually perfectly natural responses to some more
essential dis-ease?
To explore this deeper
level is the real work of counselling. It can bring up questions
around the purpose of life, the struggle to find meaning in
relationship, and expose our deepest fears and secret longings. It
is here that an opening for real change can occur, and the
possibility for transformation becomes very real.
Robin Collins
MBACP